A prayer

I found the prayer I wrote the day of the Virginia Tech shooting.


Lord God, I pray for the families and students of this tragedy. I pray that through this sad and heart wrenching event that some good will come. Give the leaders and Christians in this town the strength to minister to all in need. May those who don't know you come to you, realizing Christ is their hope, no matter what happens. Please God, give the media care and humbleness to cover this story and related stories without turning it into a media circus. Amen. 


To add today

Lord, It is 5 years later our world still has so much tragedy and pain. Lord, our girl is the same age as some of those sweet ones lost today. Lord be with those mamas and papas, those grandparents, siblings, teachers. Help them in their mourning and weeping.

5 Years later and with our computers and phones we have more ability than ever to voice our opinions. Our stupid awful opinions that usually don't help. Lord help us to only say things that are helpful. God in a time where we can share our opinions to hundreds and thousands...Please, please please give us the self control to shut up and pray. 

Help us God to love better, pray more, and worship you always.





Please note- This prayer is not in response to anything I have seen others say. It is just my prayer that we are more careful to pray than to talk.

Upcycle sewing project #2: Women's Shirt into Girls Candy Cane Dress

JOURNAL OF WHAT I DID. 

I used this very loved and kind of stained brown tunic that is a girls small you see above to trace and make a pattern. To make the pattern I folded the tunic in half and traced it onto freezer paper. I cut this women's striped shirt apart that I got for about $4 at Old Navy last spring. I originally got this to make a 4th of July dress, but never got to it...

I saw it last week and thought OR A CANDY CANE DRESS!

 

I lined up the front and back of the dress so the hems could be re-used I also was able to use the original neckline and buttons. Then I dry ironed the freezer paper stencil onto the folded front of the I used the sleeve pattern by just tracing a sleeve from one of her favorite long sleeve shirts. 

 

I think this sounds confusuing so next time I am going to take more pictures. Besides little sister is lamenting that she doesn't have a candy cane dress. I am out of this fabric, but I am going to make her a similar dress with another clearance shirt. Look for that in the next week or two!

SKILLS USED:

• Shopping in the clearance section to buy fabric. 4 bucks + 1 hour = a dress my kids fight over.
• Using a well loved tunic as a pattern to make a new one with sleeves.
• Using a serger to finish the seams.
• Eating Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Almonds with sea salt

THINGS I WOULD DO DIFFERENT NEXT TIME:
I would have lined this with another shirt (which I did the next day in the next project I made her. More on that later). I also would probably make full length sleeves. After the 3rd project with 3/4 sleeves I made her she said "I am not liking these quarter sleeves all the time". Ha.

If you make something like this or are inspired to do a similar project leave a comment and let me know and/or leave a link to it!

Upcycle sewing project #1: Twirly Tunic

JOURNAL OF WHAT I DID.

I am purging the house and I went though all our clothes to get rid of thing we don't use or need. My girls like tunics and dresses more than just regular t-shirts so I thought I could turn 3 unusable t-shirts into one. The stripe shirt and purple shirt were too short and the light purpleish pinkish one was stained.

I cut the purple shirt off about 2 inches below where both arm seams were closed to use that as the top of the twirly tunic. Then I cut the other shirts and the rest of the purple one making stripes and sewed them into strips making each one about 6 inches longer than the tier below it. I gathered each stripe. Next I sewed closed it into a tube. I then sewed each tube onto the next and serged it to finish the seams.

If you don't have a serger you can still do this knit (t-shirt and similar stretchy material) doesn't fray so if you want to try this with just a sewing machine, just make sure to use a slight zigzag stitch and a ballpoint needle instead of a regular one to manage the knit fabric. (When using knit material with stretch you need a ballpoint needle so it moves the threads apart without breaking them and vice versa when sewing silk or satin you need the sharpest needles to pierce the material.)

SKILLS USED:

• Cutting into old clothes that weren't being used and using the top of one shirt to save on work
• Gathering fabric (here is a good gathering stitch tutorial)
• Using a serger to finish the seams.

THINGS I WOULD DO DIFFERENT NEXT TIME:
I would make it a dress but I was out of fabric so she has a tunic.:)

If you make something like this or are inspired to do a similar project leave a comment and let me know and/or leave a link to it!

Halloween Reflections

2008
My first costume I ever made for a babe.
The secret is that this is held together by a safety pin in the back,
 because I didn't know how to do a button hole or a zipper.
And I think she is the cutest Dorothy-Dorothy ever.

 2009
D's costume was Tinkerbell (she and I watched that a lot when Maggie was a newborn)
A leafy tutu, some little wings and a a green jumper made of old pants of mine.
PS How cute are these babies? I love them all so.

 2010
Goldilocks and the 3 bears...
Easiest year ever. Especially compared to this year.
We owned all of those clothes already. I just made the ears and Goldilocks bow...
and had blisters from the glue gun because of it.

2011

This might have been only slightly harder than the previous year.

M had the Alice costume from her cousin K. 

I burned my fingers making the headband 

(a repeating habit- boo). 

D was Blueberry Muffin, Strawberry Shortcake's friend. Except for the wig it was all bought with my extreme desire for her to wear it all again. The blue t-shirt dress is fought over still. A dress for the 3 year old, I made the 5 year old stop wearing it as a tunic recently. The cardigan was a long sleeve t-shirt I cut down the middle, hemmed with an added a blueberry fabric flower. She hated it. She wears the cardigan around the house and she is cold. Seriously it is a house coat now. Awesome.

So that is my round up of sewing of Halloweens thus far. 

2012

This year's costumes and what I learned and hated from making them:) 

is coming soon on this blog....

it was all handmade...except for the tights and shoes. 

Not sure I'll ever do that again. 

Then again. I am sure I will.

Fall Decorating

 Leaves on sticks. Looks kinda crazy, but I like it and that part of the room needed something tall. 

 

We stayed home today, despite 3 major things we were to do today including church. It has been a long season of sickness for all of us. RA, backs, asthma, colds.  Super down about missing church again and I sat down to read my blog list and saw another mama in my shoes, read her thoughtful words here.

 My favorite family picture, a clearance Anthropologie C, and the little fall bouquet I bought my Grandma Lois the last fall she was with us.

 

The girls wanted to decorate for fall and it was a perfect day to do so. You can only watch so many movies.

I have too many pictures in frames and now I am putting out seasonal pictures in frames. The girls and all their cousins in pajamas and Christmas clothes along with our December wedding and anniversary pictures will probably replace these of last year taken by the amazing Mickie Winters when we decorate after Thanksgiving. I like this blog post about a Halloween Photo Garland and just might do that too.

This was what the 3 and 5 year old did. On the couch side table Mike and I share they chose a pitcher that Mike made in high school pottery class. It has a spider on it and we usually only use it around Halloween. The were ecstatic when they found it and we decided to keep the remotes in it until we redecorate for Christmas. Want to make 2 kids happy, let them decorate and fold their own laundry. Who knew?

Halloween projects 2012

I guess it is actually Supergirl. Not Superwoman.

About super heroes, I never read comics growing up, well now that I say that I had a few vintage Archie comics that I would buy when my mom dragged took me to antique stores and they were awesome.

But, I totally watched TMNT and Batman after school in late elementary early Jr. High and maybe I watched Barney too. Kelsey laughed at me when I told her this the other day. So I justified it by saying that I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher, I neglected to tell her that I had a Barney wrist watch. Or that when I was sick my freshman year my friend bought me a Barney magazine to cheer me up. So I guess that is early high school. Geez. That is super nerdy.

Anyway. I love all those shows so much. Especially Batman. So Mike and I saw The Dark Knight Rises and we both read some DC comic books this summer on sabbatical (really we did) that was how the girls became obsessed with superheros. And when we were at the mall and they saw a t-shirt with Wonder Woman, there was no turning back. (We bought Maggie This awesome present for her birthday in the spring, but she never cared until this summer now it is a favorite and often fought over toy).

Today I made a muslin (a practice out of cheaper fabric- today I just used t-shirt knit that had a similar stretch to the real material) of the leotard. It was too big, so I will take it in. I also made the S for Super. See below. It took an hour. It took me twice as long to make that S than the leotard. I will explain later when I give details of how I made it.

 From left to right- S is for super, Invitation to Dorothy's Beatles family dance record party, my gingher scissors, and some granny squares...

Anyway. I was telling my mom my real reason to learn to sew this kind of material is selfish, why I didn't just buy the costume? Other than I actually love to sew their costumes.

I want to eventually make my own swimsuits.

I am totally Cathy when it comes to swimsuits. Swimsuits are stupid. I totally want 1 piece retro suits that fit my long torso, that hide the evidence that I gained and (almost) lost 40-50 pounds twice in the 28 months that I grew 2 babies. And I want it to not be halter style (so my tan lines match my tank top lines). That does not exist. At least not under 200 bucks. But from the cost of fabric and notions (thread, closures, needles, etc.) I estimate that I could make one for about 10-30 bucks depending on how elaborate I go.

But to save the money I have to have the skills.

So all that to say, I totally see this as a class...a learning experience.  Make your kids costume and see if its worth it to make your own swimsuits.

KCWC

Just curious...

I am thinking of blogging some of my sewing adventures this month. As I have had many flair ups and have been under the waether recently I was wondering if I took the time to blog it if it would be helpful to my sewing friends.

It is KCWC (Kids Clothes Week Challenge) after all.

So while Mike and I watch The West Wing in marathon form, I will lay on the couch and slowly make unnecessary, yet requested costumes and some necessary clothing for my little ones. Why? Because it is something that cheers me up and passes the time when I can't do much else. And would you say no? Would you when she asked you to make her an authentic Superwoman costume "EXACTLY like the movie mom" even though it is beyond your skills. (PS She has never even seen the movie but loves the idea of Superwoman, Batgirl, and Wonder Woman).

Under 20 minute post

I have found that I do not post unless I spend a really long time on a post.

Way too long.

SO I just set a 20 minute timer to write this post.

Mike and I spent a lot time talking about and practicing the act of writing this summer while we were on sabbatical. Just the idea of making it a regular part of your life. I wrote a lot of things just for me this summer for the first time in years. Mostly I wrote memories in story form. It was nice to do that and not worry about it being graded or blogged. Just for me and maybe my kids someday.

I remember as a student and a teacher having a hard time getting myself and my kids to JUST WRITE. So often we feel like we really need to have it all figured out to write. I love hearing when authors started writing and were surprised at how their story ended. I love hearing them say that the character changed the story.

So the whole reason I brought this up is to tell you something. My Birthday Sister, LEESA (same birthday and same anniversary week) was a finalist on the Flannery O'conner Short Fiction Award. I love her and her writing. I am so proud of her.

Rock and Roll.

I finished this post way under my 20 minute limit.

Thoughts on motherhood...My full circle day.

My daughter was trying to be a big girl...repeatedly. It takes so long sometimes for a little one to be self sufficient. And if you cut them off and do it for them to save you time, chances are they will take away that time plus more in the temper tantrum they throw or redoing it "I CAN DO IT BY MYSELF!

Soon after this, I saw my friend who is a stage or two ahead of me in life. She said hello to my girls and was so sweet to us, even though the one had just thrown an hour long fit ,was sweaty, and whining in a steady low moan. I explained our hour and asked my friend, "Can I be mad? Have you been mad after this many tantrums? I am just so exhausted!" She smiled, "Oooh Yes, I have been there" It was encouraging. Friend went on to text me that she was praying for me. Daughter went on for the next several hours fine, having fun, laughing, doing well. 

In the afternoon, said daughter spiked a fever and slept most the day. I felt relieved and awful.  No wonder she was in a fiery mood. Mike and I have seen each other with major disease and it is daunting, but I have never seen my children sick with major disease so please don't get me wrong when I say this, it was fun to baby my girls today when they didn't feel good. To break out the movie they love and I hate. To give them a dinner of their favorite foods.

Tonight, after they were asleep I saw all the links that I have posted below for the first time. (Except the family guy clip).

Please click on all these links if you want to encourage yourself and feel a little bit better about being a mom.


Mama, mama, mama, mama (An oldie, but a classic)

The Secret to a Perfect Home (Must Read)

Huffington Post: What Maggie's Crayon reminded me about Parenting (Warning for one word)

Lies I Believe (I love you Steph!)


The day went full circle.  A lady who writes for a mom blog, one that writes for Huffington Post, and another that is my friend and wrote this weeks ago when I was blessed enough to be on vacation all came together and gave me hope, encouraged me, and reminded me that this "little days" are so worth it and I will regret the the day that I ever wished them away. This is the day the Lord has made, Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Happy Summer

The Cospers will be radio silence and unplugged all summer, resting in the Lord and with each other. See you all in August! 

If I do blog here or there, I will most likely have the comments shut down so I am not tempted to spend time moderating. Thanks for understanding! 

Educate yourself. Think. Pray.

Please read these posts on Trayvon Martin.

My Husband, Mike writes some of his most important words. The Tragedy of Trayvon Martin

A blogger I have always enjoyed reading about craftiness, sewing, motherhood, and adoption. Her comments on the situation.

Walking While Black
Another mother writes about her rite of passage as a teenager from her parents, "It doesn’t matter that you’re female. It doesn’t matter that you’re an honors student. It doesn’t matter that you’ve never been in trouble a day in your life. It doesn’t matter that you are leaving to start attending Stanford this fall. When most of these police officers see you, all they will see is a young black girl and that can be dangerous. So, when you are harassed — and you will be — try to stay calm. Try not to be afraid, and call us as soon as you can."

Pray. Pray that our kids and grandkids world. Will. Be. Different.

Random List

Random thoughts...

• I lost my original Kroger Plus Card. I had that thing since they first came out, maybe 10-11 years ago. It started shredding and I have been manually typing the code in for months,because it wouldn't even scan. When I handed my keys to the clerk today I got so sad it had fallen off. Mike says I hate change. Maybe it was some of that Depression era frugality that was passed down through grandparents. I was struck at how silly this all is. I was also struck that last week I reorganized my closet and saw I had 5 white sweaters. If you had asked me if I had a white sweater I would have said "no" before that spring cleaning. Now I have donated 3 of them. Weird this over composition and eagerness for all things and all things new... it makes me crazy sometimes.
  
• I have had a mix of Weird Al's "White and Nerdy" and Singing in the Rain's "Make Em Laugh" going through my head today. I don't really know what to do about this. I mean have you seen those two videos? Someone mash up those videos for me stat.
• D had her first crazy mixed up dream at age 4 where she said, "sometimes I loved it and then it was weird and then "so and so" was there but there were two of her there and one was nice and one was mean!" I love that. I am trying to slow down and be a more active listener. Eye contact, probing/thoughtful questions, clarifying her ideas...It is what I want from people, so why not give it to my kids. You all remind me of this, because we all get too busy and forget.
• Lastly. Look at Mag's sock above. I washed 1 with dark denim and the other with brights. Her favorite socks. Any advice? I guess I could google it, but wondered if anyone had ideas.
• I might have a problem with my inability to let go of butterfly socks and grocery store incentive cards...

Every. single. time.

Every. single. time.

Every time I start on a sewing project (whether it is the beginning or I pick up from where I left off) I plan, design, and sew then I get mad and frustrated and want to throw it away. Every.single.time.

I am up to me ears in projects I need to finish and went to plow through in some free hours where D was playing and M was asleep and it all seemed to go wrong. The logical and organized person would ask why not finish one project, but, all the projects are all the same kind of sewing, so to change thread, machine feet, stitch length etc. It is more logically and organized to piece all the projects, then quilt them all and then bind them all...I think. I'll turn around in a week or 5 and hopefully crank out the 6 quilts I am working on. And hopefully Ezra will get his blanket I started before he was born before he turns 2 and his little brother is born and the other sibling is adopted. THAT is how far behind I am people. What can I say, you all know I had had my plate full with other things.

What I really want to know is how do you creators deal with your frustrations? I love the creative process, and love knowing that sometimes even the greatest musicians, artists and writers want to through it all away before they love it.

A few favorite Valentines Posts

Molly Piper's You Can't Quantify My Love
I love her honesty and realness. She talks about the Gospel but doesn't pretend things are always perfect. Molly has been a real blessing to me and so many of my friends in her writing about motherhood, wife hood, loss, and loving her family and God.

Eric Carle's A Love Story and a Love Song
Chances are you live under a rock if you haven't heard of this guy and his amazing books, yet his blog is so simple and sweet and he reminds me of one my favorite professors from college.

Emily Henderson's Happy Valentine's Day
I like this gal. She has a blog and a TV show. She is funny and real (I like real. OK?). I think she is single handily saving HGTV for us 20-30 somethings (that don't want to be labeled 20-30 somethings). And I love that she takes her marriage seriously. And because I am a pastor's wife and have very mixed bag of readers I will tell she says a word or two that might offend you. BUT most of all. I love her description of when they met and "knew" and were like, uh this wasn't supposed to happen so quick but I am pretty sure you are the one. (I know a couple with names that rhyme with Sike and Marah Sosper that were they same.exact.way) She says " Lets face it, there are a lot of drawbacks of finding your 'person' so young...(BUT) You watch them become different, but the same. Older but the same. And better, but the same."


Well Mike Cosper. The drawbacks of eating Aldi's mac and cheese and Kielbasa and Jiffy muffins for 5 years 4 times a week and being broke and all kinds of sick throughout our 20s and early 30s far under weigh the beauty of you pointing me to laughter, joy and Jesus for the last 12+ years. You are a great man, friend, husband, pastor, guitar player, and dad. I love you.


* Edit. Tera asked how many days we have been married...If my math is correct (and it may not be, I retook algebra...) We have been married 4, 425 days. Yahoo!

Social Networks explained

Here is a funny little picture that someone made to explain social networks.

Overall I love the Internet, but often despise parts of it. It even varies what makes me crazy at times.

Facebook recently breeds discontentment, laziness, even jealousy. There. I said it.



It may often seem annoying or even obnoxious for someone to post monthly on twitter or facebook, "Taking a break from social media. Email or call".

But when my mind is so cluttered from the busyness of technology there is little else that can help me set my mind on God than unplugging from the noise.

I wrote this a few weeks ago after a night of sleeplessness and lurking facebook....
"I have sat here for the last hour and a half while my family sleeps trying to read, trying to pray, not even having my laptop in front of me, but knowing too much about too many, reading to much mundane and important things all at once sometimes makes my mind so cluttered I forget how to think clearly.

I check messages on my phone, email, and facebook and read them quickly then forget to respond. I have systems on how to not miss these messages that I have implemented at less cluttered times in my life, but those are so quickly out the window, when I spend too much time reading hundreds of status updates and hundreds of blogs.

When I can't even remember where I read something or which friend is sick, because there are too many people that I am only acquaintances with on facebook. This is one reason I post fewer pictures and personal stories out there than I use to. Also, statistically I may have some total creepers as facebook friends. I don't need them knowing too much about me and my family.

Sometimes I just want to unfriend everybody (no offense) and only use it for my family, forcing me to be more intentional with our friends and hanging out."

I saw someone say that the printing press was like Internet of the day. Consider how we look back on the printing press. All of the sudden, the bible and other important documents are everywhere. A wealth of knowledge and entertainment they never had before. I wonder: did it ever have negatives? Unfortunately I think the modern day printing press will. It will be tragic and/or amazing to see one day how the explosion of the Internet hurt and helped our world. How it formed psychosis in young minds.

Even someone that doesn't own a computer or even have a place to live can go to their school or library and get on Facebook to read up on what kind of coffee someone had or how someones surgery went. And then forget all about it because they read another 50 updates too. The idea that you can forget someone's hardship with depression or a great celebration because there is so much info going into your brain is sickening to me at times. I have heard more than once that people have found about family members' deaths through facebook instead of a conversation. I have actually heard that 5 or 6 times.

None of what I say here about the need to unplug is unique or new. I have learned this from friends and authors along the way, I am just noting it as a reminder in case you need a break. It is a prescription for me when the focus is hard or my brain is working a mile a minute.

I have currently been on break from Facebook for a week.

I thought in status updates for almost 48 hours.
THAT IS RIDICULOUS!

Then I started being more intentional and I read more to myself and my kids. I actively listened and gave way more eye contact (bc I didn't have any technology in my hand or lap) as D explained every detail of her new favorite show the Octonauts. I got some projects done. I rested more. I prayed more. I worked out more. I was never perfect. I still spent time on my computer, but not nearly as much.

I guess I am just calling for a time out. You don't have to do it. I won't judge you if you don't.

But if you are up for it. Choose one of your social networks that breeds discontentment or jealousy or bitterness or just plan takes up time you could do on something else and take a break from it. A day, a week, a month. 4eva*.

For me it is this facebook break (I totally had my husband hack into my FB to post a link to it, because it would take more self control than I might have not to check updates, while I break). I had a good friend tell me she needs to delete hers altogether because it is a burden while another friend share that Pinterest gives her discontentment because it makes her want more (a very valid point! I am sure I'll need to break from that at some point).

If you are up for it leave me a comment on here or one of my social networks....Just don't expect me to know it right away. I am after all on a facebook break.




*(side note-I love writing like I use to in notes. My greatest note memories are Alison, Carrie and Rosie. Epic LYLAS, SSS etc. What do whippersnappers do now. Text? I guess. I do too. But I guess Oregon Trail = Angry Birds and the perfectly folded and coded handwritten note =texting)

Favorite Pinterest Boards

Whoa so many new friends on Pinterest!

Here are more link love from Pinterest. This time from people I don't know.

On the Head
Headdresses and wreaths

Fox Obsession,
Call it hipster, but I am pretty sure fox is the new owl. And I am gonna love them both. mmK?

Mason Jar Love
From canning with my mom as a kid to the elegance they bring to a party, I think Mason Jars should be around for ever.

Pinterest

This post is much less heavy hearted than the last two. But if you need more on suffering I will have more to say:) Until then, the barometric pressure is exhausting me and causing fatigue, headaches, and foggy mindedness. So here is is a more light hearted post!

I have heard so many say that they don't want to join pinterest, because it is just one more thing to keep up with. I understand. But in case it might help you I have a little explanation for you.

I love collecting ideas. I always have and because I am not naturally inclined to be organized with paper, pinterest is helpful. I tried bookmarking, evernote, and the flickr favorites to keep my ideas straight. Also I have had piles and stacks of magazines, ripped pages and articles. Pinterest has mostly eliminated all of those other ways to save ideas. Organized and my house and computer are much less cluttered.

It is also extremely inspiring and fun. I absolutely love pinterest. I really wish I had had it as a student teacher planning so much. That would have been so helpful.

From Pinterest's about page,
"Pinterest lets you organize and share all the beautiful things you find on the web. People use pinboards to plan their weddings, decorate their homes, and organize their favorite recipes. Best of all, you can browse pinboards created by other people. Browsing pinboards is a fun way to discover new things and get inspiration from people who share your interests."

Here are some of my favorite pin boards. Don't worry if I haven't linked yours! I love them all so much I may one day!

The first one I ever saw was my friend Leesa's:
Forever 90s
Eyeliner Gives Me Wings
Mason Jars and Twinkle Lights and Pretties

Another Friend, Madison always has great party ideas:
Crab Party
12th Night Party
Woodland owl party or shower

Courtney has one of the best boards on
Nails

I love the nostalgia of my Terri's board
Me

My awesome cousin, Annie is an expert on Pugs
Pug Luv

Here is a great beginner's guide to Pinterest! Since the guide was written last spring there may some differences in how things work now as they have upgraded Pinterest many times, but it is the most helpful pinterest guide I have seen.

What about you? What do you love about it? What idea have you been so grateful to find? Do you want an invite? Message me your email if you do!

Do good with your suffering.

I really want to thank you for all the feed back and appreciation for my last post. After not posting for months and then having over a thousand readers and about a hundred responses over all kinds of media on our testimony of Christ in our life throughout suffering... CUH-RAZY TOWN.

I have had all of that I wrote rolling around in my head for 2 years and have discussed it with Mike many times. Crying. Wondering. Praying. It seems it was just God's timing to get it all out. Again thanks for reading.

Remembering we are not alone in our suffering has been so important for me and it seems many of you all.

So. What are going to do when suffering comes? What about when old wounds are opened? How are you going to glorify God even in this sad fallen world when sin surrounds us and causes suffering?

Make a choice to remember and change your focus from you to God.

You CAN choose your outlook.

Sometimes you really can choose how you feel.

Linda Dillow in her book A Deeper Kind of Calm, says of Asaph writing Psalm 77 (Go read it y'all) this,

We see Asaph’s change in perspective in the way he wrote the Psalm. In the first part of the Psalm, Asaph used I, me, and my twenty-times. Eleven times he referred to God by name, title or pronoun. But after he remembered, he referred to him twenty-four times and refereed to himself only three times- in the three I wills! Asaph lifted his eyes off of his desperate situation, where all he could see was himself, to his great God, who is majestic, mighty, and a worker of miracles.

Here is from my journal in March 2010, “Today is dark. I see no miracles in my life. But I will remember...I remember that God provided Mike a job after his back injury. I remember that so much should have gone wrong with my pregnancies and deliveries because of my RA and the size of my giant babies and their giant heads, but they were healthy and perfect. I know good can come from my RA and other health issues. Help me to trust you and know that I can suffer well and bring glory to you despite my pain and struggles. “

Ask how there might be good in this suffering.

Just think, while in jail or exile Paul authored much of our New Testament, John wrote Revelation; Martin Luther translated the bible to German. Where would we be today without that suffering!?

Choose joy my friends.
Do good with your suffering.





(Again with the random font size. And it won't let me fix it!)

So I am thankful for my suffering.

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I love the New Year. I love setting new goals, with celebrating the first coming of Christ and the love of seeing all my family and friends around Christmas, I am inspired to start a new year. I am hopeful and yet cautious sometimes wondering what suffering this next year may hold.

Last night a friend asked me what my resolutions were and I was afraid to make them. I was afraid that we would have more suffering that would halt my plans. One of the many things our family’s suffering has taught us is that suffering is inevitable.

We are 31 and have been married 12 years. We have had some of the most obscure and weird health issues for our age. We calculated about 3 1/2 of that have been really, really hard.

Mike was on bed rest when he was 20 from January to May. He left the house a handful of times and one of the few was to take me to a play to treat me to a super special day, but he had to stand in pain the entire time. His job position was terminated while he was on leave. The back injuries he had that year, still linger at times of stress today. The sting of not knowing where our income would come from feel like a scar that still hurts sometimes. That year though, I have sweet memories, I remember Mike reading and praying fervently during that time. He had a leather handmade prayer journal where he prayed for all the people and circumstances in his life, establishing habits that he continues today. We learned to rest together. We watched a lot of movies, tried drawing and other creative projects he could do while lying down. We had two couples that invested in our marriage and growth in knowing Christ. We had a lot of laughter, friendship, and grace in the midst of our first major trial as adults.

In my 25-26th year we lost 3 grandparents, our beloved cat and our best friend. I was diagnosed with a debilitating chronic disease. Mike had bronchitis and more bulging discs in his back. Yet, we also had me graduate and work my dream job, and we each made more than minimum wage, Mike led the building campaign for Sojourn to establish it's first building and we took a European trip of a lifetime.

This year, after 20 months of confusing health care and many random health issues happening that were not related to my RA, I had 16 weeks of allergic reaction, was taken off my RA treatment, and had allergy testing done to find that I was allergic to 11 elements and chemicals that are just about unavoidable (gold, nickel, cobalt, shellac…). Meanwhile Mike had his back go out several times and surgeries that caused more problems. However, we had another trip of a lifetime. We have seen our babies grow up to be best friends, to be creative, quirky and unique. We had several friendships grow and many blessings from friends and family near and far. Mike is blessed to be doing what he had always wanted, writing and producing.

The more we suffer, we are tempted to complain and trust me we do, but the more we see our blessings as treasure. We also feel the years of suffering have is starting to give us a small glimmer of understanding Heaven. I said last year in a talk on suffering I gave at the Sojourn mini conference, "

"When I was asked to speak on this topic (of suffering), my heart rebelled. I wanted to be thought of first for the talk on motherhood or the talk on being a wife. I did not like being thought of when it comes to suffering. 


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I had recently been asked to be in a "Stories of Change" video for Sunday morning, because of my rheumatoid arthritis. My heart rebelled. I think they thought of me as a good example of suffering with a heaven outlook. I didn’t think of me that way. I didn’t want to because it something that I will always have to deal with. While many of the others featured in the video were sharing sin from their past and the redemption of Christ, I was showing my disease, something that I couldn’t be rid of on this earth unless there is a cure discovered.

I was extremely frustrated with my diseased body at the time (Let's be honest, I still am). I had just gotten news that I needed additional treatment for an additional illness. All of which could cause serious life threatening things in my life if left untreated. I was tired, angry, and weary about my health. I hated medication because every single one I needed had side effects.

Dizziness, headaches, weight gain, stomach and GI pain, fatigue, numbness, forgetfulness, irregular periods, liver damage and vision damage just from my medications. In addition to that I have extreme fatigue and joint pain and possibly joint, tissue and organ damage from my diseases IF I didn’t manage them with the medications. My doctors had advised and we through prayer decided that even with the side effects are potentially are bad, monitoring and managing them would be more beneficial than leaving my diseases untreated. Especially since they would leave me stronger and healthier in the future to fight other health issues, that I have a higher risk of getting.

Every time I emailed and asked for prayer, I felt annoying and needy with how often I asked friends for prayer. Just moments before we filmed the video, I was grumbling to Mike about doing this. He lovingly told me to suck it up. He told me good would come from this. I told him I was too weary and tired and frustrated and that I was a measly example. I didn’t have a complete heaven outlook at that moment they filmed. But doing the film, seeing it bless others, and seeing others suffer, chipped away at the hardness of my heart.

Two of the most amazing things happened as a result of me doing this “Stories of Change” video.

The wonderful thing that is happening over and over is that I am able to love on people with similar chronic diseases and health sufferings. Where I use to be completely a deer in the headlights when I saw those I loved suffering now God is using my suffering to reach out and encourager to believers and unbelievers. I think this will be a lifelong process as I can only do so much in various seasons of life, but in my journal I wrote, “Chronic disease sufferers- What if I didn’t have God’s goodness and faithfulness to remember? What about those that don’t know to think of God’s goodness and faithfulness while they suffer?”

The thing that happened right away was this-

You see right before they filmed, I mean just 1 minute before, Mike came to tell me that his dear Aunt Jean had just died that morning. The Cosper family said that Jean was the original southern belle.  She was a beauty inside and out, a sweet Godly woman, with an incredible sense of humor. She was the matriarch of the Cospers, the glue of the family. I got to know her the last 11 years of her life and she suffered in her health so much, but she suffered well. In her pain and loss of walking, loss of her eye, loss of her independence she kept her sense of humor.

I looked down and saw the words that were going to tell my story in the video. Our art director, Michael Winters was writing out the message on our coffee table with my own medication. I knew the words he spelled out with pills were telling my story, your story, and Aunt Jean’s story even more. It said,

“Momentary suffering, but Eternal Joy”

I was blessed at that very moment to know that Aunt Jean, loved by thousands was in heaven and had no more suffering and no more pain.

I was reminded of the time I finally stopped thinking of heaven as a place I wanted to avoid. You see a friend and I confessed to each other years ago that growing up we felt guilt for thinking of heaven as an utterly boring place. Perhaps it’s wisdom of just growing up paired with all of this suffering I have gone through to think of heaven as my goal. It was then that I could understand lyrics like Absent from Flesh

Absent from flesh! O blissful thought!
What joy this moment brings!
Freed from the blame my sin has brought,
From pain and death and it’s sting.

I go where go where God and glory shine,

To one eternal day

This failing body I now resign,

For the angels point my way.”

(Written In November 2010)

So I am thankful for my suffering.

I do not wish to have more. I really don’t.

But, I know I will. We will. You will.

I told that friend, who asked my what I hoped for in 2012, jokingly “My goal this year is for a doctor not ever say again, ‘I have never seen that happen before”.

But truly, I think my goal is to ever be more mindful that on earth, suffering is inevitable. How am I going to take what is given to me and seek Christ and choose joy? I'll start with James.

James 1: 2-3 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”