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I love the New Year. I love setting new goals, with celebrating the first coming of Christ and the love of seeing all my family and friends around Christmas, I am inspired to start a new year. I am hopeful and yet cautious sometimes wondering what suffering this next year may hold.
Last night a friend asked me what my resolutions were and I was afraid to make them. I was afraid that we would have more suffering that would halt my plans. One of the many things our family’s suffering has taught us is that suffering is inevitable.
We are 31 and have been married 12 years. We have had some of the most obscure and weird health issues for our age. We calculated about 3 1/2 of that have been really, really hard.
Mike was on bed rest when he was 20 from January to May. He left the house a handful of times and one of the few was to take me to a play to treat me to a super special day, but he had to stand in pain the entire time. His job position was terminated while he was on leave. The back injuries he had that year, still linger at times of stress today. The sting of not knowing where our income would come from feel like a scar that still hurts sometimes. That year though, I have sweet memories, I remember Mike reading and praying fervently during that time. He had a leather handmade prayer journal where he prayed for all the people and circumstances in his life, establishing habits that he continues today. We learned to rest together. We watched a lot of movies, tried drawing and other creative projects he could do while lying down. We had two couples that invested in our marriage and growth in knowing Christ. We had a lot of laughter, friendship, and grace in the midst of our first major trial as adults.
In my 25-26th year we lost 3 grandparents, our beloved cat and our best friend. I was diagnosed with a debilitating chronic disease. Mike had bronchitis and more bulging discs in his back. Yet, we also had me graduate and work my dream job, and we each made more than minimum wage, Mike led the building campaign for Sojourn to establish it's first building and we took a European trip of a lifetime.
This year, after 20 months of confusing health care and many random health issues happening that were not related to my RA, I had 16 weeks of allergic reaction, was taken off my RA treatment, and had allergy testing done to find that I was allergic to 11 elements and chemicals that are just about unavoidable (gold, nickel, cobalt, shellac…). Meanwhile Mike had his back go out several times and surgeries that caused more problems. However, we had another trip of a lifetime. We have seen our babies grow up to be best friends, to be creative, quirky and unique. We had several friendships grow and many blessings from friends and family near and far. Mike is blessed to be doing what he had always wanted, writing and producing.
The more we suffer, we are tempted to complain and trust me we do, but the more we see our blessings as treasure. We also feel the years of suffering have is starting to give us a small glimmer of understanding Heaven. I said last year in a talk on suffering I gave at the Sojourn mini conference, "
"When I was asked to speak on this topic (of suffering), my heart rebelled. I wanted to be thought of first for the talk on motherhood or the talk on being a wife. I did not like being thought of when it comes to suffering.
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I had recently been asked to be in a "Stories of Change" video for Sunday morning, because of my rheumatoid arthritis. My heart rebelled. I think they thought of me as a good example of suffering with a heaven outlook. I didn’t think of me that way. I didn’t want to because it something that I will always have to deal with. While many of the others featured in the video were sharing sin from their past and the redemption of Christ, I was showing my disease, something that I couldn’t be rid of on this earth unless there is a cure discovered.
I was extremely frustrated with my diseased body at the time (Let's be honest, I still am). I had just gotten news that I needed additional treatment for an additional illness. All of which could cause serious life threatening things in my life if left untreated. I was tired, angry, and weary about my health. I hated medication because every single one I needed had side effects.
Dizziness, headaches, weight gain, stomach and GI pain, fatigue, numbness, forgetfulness, irregular periods, liver damage and vision damage just from my medications. In addition to that I have extreme fatigue and joint pain and possibly joint, tissue and organ damage from my diseases IF I didn’t manage them with the medications. My doctors had advised and we through prayer decided that even with the side effects are potentially are bad, monitoring and managing them would be more beneficial than leaving my diseases untreated. Especially since they would leave me stronger and healthier in the future to fight other health issues, that I have a higher risk of getting.
Every time I emailed and asked for prayer, I felt annoying and needy with how often I asked friends for prayer. Just moments before we filmed the video, I was grumbling to Mike about doing this. He lovingly told me to suck it up. He told me good would come from this. I told him I was too weary and tired and frustrated and that I was a measly example. I didn’t have a complete heaven outlook at that moment they filmed. But doing the film, seeing it bless others, and seeing others suffer, chipped away at the hardness of my heart.
Two of the most amazing things happened as a result of me doing this “Stories of Change” video.
The wonderful thing that is happening over and over is that I am able to love on people with similar chronic diseases and health sufferings. Where I use to be completely a deer in the headlights when I saw those I loved suffering now God is using my suffering to reach out and encourager to believers and unbelievers. I think this will be a lifelong process as I can only do so much in various seasons of life, but in my journal I wrote, “Chronic disease sufferers- What if I didn’t have God’s goodness and faithfulness to remember? What about those that don’t know to think of God’s goodness and faithfulness while they suffer?”
The thing that happened right away was this-
You see right before they filmed, I mean just 1 minute before, Mike came to tell me that his dear Aunt Jean had just died that morning. The Cosper family said that Jean was the original southern belle. She was a beauty inside and out, a sweet Godly woman, with an incredible sense of humor. She was the matriarch of the Cospers, the glue of the family. I got to know her the last 11 years of her life and she suffered in her health so much, but she suffered well. In her pain and loss of walking, loss of her eye, loss of her independence she kept her sense of humor.
I looked down and saw the words that were going to tell my story in the video. Our art director, Michael Winters was writing out the message on our coffee table with my own medication. I knew the words he spelled out with pills were telling my story, your story, and Aunt Jean’s story even more. It said,
“Momentary suffering, but Eternal Joy”
I was blessed at that very moment to know that Aunt Jean, loved by thousands was in heaven and had no more suffering and no more pain.
I was reminded of the time I finally stopped thinking of heaven as a place I wanted to avoid. You see a friend and I confessed to each other years ago that growing up we felt guilt for thinking of heaven as an utterly boring place. Perhaps it’s wisdom of just growing up paired with all of this suffering I have gone through to think of heaven as my goal. It was then that I could understand lyrics like Absent from Flesh
Absent from flesh! O blissful thought!
What joy this moment brings!
Freed from the blame my sin has brought,
From pain and death and it’s sting.
I go where go where God and glory shine,
To one eternal day
This failing body I now resign,
For the angels point my way.”
(Written In November 2010)
So I am thankful for my suffering.
I do not wish to have more. I really don’t.
But, I know I will. We will. You will.
I told that friend, who asked my what I hoped for in 2012, jokingly “My goal this year is for a doctor not ever say again, ‘I have never seen that happen before”.
But truly, I think my goal is to ever be more mindful that on earth, suffering is inevitable. How am I going to take what is given to me and seek Christ and choose joy? I'll start with James.
James 1: 2-3 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
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